Facing the Judge

A few months ago a friend of mine tried to convince me to channel my strong emotions into writing music. Not only would I drain my emotions of their intensity, but I would have a great song at the end too. That would be great if I wasn’t the only English teacher on the planet with absolutely no ability to write creatively: not songs, not stories, not poems. I did however feel some strong emotions later that week as I ended a non-relationship with a boy I liked. How did I feel? Could I write what I felt into a song, or at least a poem? I tried.

I won’t share the poem with you; it’s crap. I can’t write poems because I get struck on an idea and then my mind seethes on that idea and I completely lose any logical train of thought that could be written into prose. I am more likely to write an essay about an idea and everything every philosopher has had to say about that idea than a cohesive train of thought, poetically expressed in verse.

Here is the idea I got stuck on. I feel like I am on trial. Every time I go on a date with someone new, or someone old who can’t commit to me I feel like I am on trial. Will the judge deem me worthy of another date, or even heaven forbid, a relationship with that person? Am I cute enough, but not too cute, smart enough, but not too smart, thin enough, but not—(oh wait, that doesn’t apply to me!); am I too old, too young, ambitious enough, righteous enough, not so righteous I won’t be any fun; experienced enough but not enough to make me seem worldly or frivolous. Am I too fashionable so I look spendy? Am I not fashionable enough so I look dowdy? If I wear something a tiny bit low-cut am I immodest, if I don’t am I a prude? Is there the proper amount of attraction, or is there so much I make him scared; or worse--not enough, and as a man, he knows his attraction to me cannot grow.

If, if, if, if, if. When it doesn’t work out us single people get stuck on if. What if I would have given it more time, what if I hadn’t suggested we see each other more regularly, what if I hadn’t gone out with a different guy that weekend? Should I have said yes to another date? What if my attraction to him really could have grown? How important is attraction really anyway, right? What if I just give him one more chance? Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned I hated his favorite t.v. show? Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned I’m not a very good cook. Maybe I shouldn’t have told him I liked him, a lot.

And then the if’s you can’t change. If I was shorter, if I was thinner, if I was younger, if I was more fun, if I was cuter, if I liked sports, if I had the right hair color, if I, if, if I, if I, if only I….

And that is what it feels like to be dating, like you are someone no one has of yet deemed worthy of choosing. And sometimes you are your own jury and 12 little versions of yourself are up there telling you why you are not being chosen, why you are still in court, up on trial in front of a man who for some reason you have convinced yourself has command over some area of your fate.

And that’s just it. You have to go through the process of freeing yourself from the ifs and from thinking your life has value if, and only if, you are in relationship. In Sister Oak’s book A Single Voice she said, “I remember feeling many times that I was just marking time, waiting for my life to happen.” You have got to make your life, not wait for it to happen. You have to learn to be happy with yourself, as yourself. It’s a process, it’s a journey, and one I won’t give up on. I dust myself off when something doesn’t work out, and obviously by now I’ve had a lot that hasn’t worked out! I try to self-improve, to make myself happy and interesting, and try not to worry too much about the what if’s.

And I would just like to say Ha, my mom said if I went on study abroad (when I was 20) I might miss dating opportunities that could lead to marriage (no offense to my mom whom I love love love) that didn’t change the course of my fate, I’m still single.

Or did it? Am I still single because the man I was supposed to marry found someone else while I was traipsing around London? Jk, I Love you mom!

Grand Canyon--CHECK!

So, to keep my life interesting I (and a few friends) created bucket lists of things we have always wanted to do and accomplish. One item on my list was hike the Grand Canyon. And now I can proudly say -- check!

Okay, okay, we didn't hike all the way down to the river, we were not equiped with camping gear, but we did hike six miles of the Grand Canyon! Even my 60 year old mom made it! Yeah! The biggest challenge was the heat. When it is 87 degrees on top, it is 95 degrees 1/2 way down. If we had reached the bottom, temperatures were reported over 108 degrees. I drank tons of water - a little over 6 litres to be exact, and ate a few Cliff bars along the way. I am really not too worn out, and other than the heat, I would say for at least as far as my family hiked, Mt. Timp was a lot harder. The trail we went on, Bright Angel Trail, really isn't too steep, just winding and winding and continuously winding switch-backs.

Anyway, I have accomplished quite a few things on my list, the Oregon Coast, learn 20 words in a foriegn language, go to a country I've never been too before, hike Mt. Timp in the fall, ride a motorcycle with a cute boy, and quite a few other items, (a few which will remain undisclosed for now) and now I can check off the Grand Canyon! Thank you to my dad who finally gave into my whining and took me there!

Keep Portland Weird

I've seen these shirts on various poeple wandering around the world and have wondered, keep Portland weird, huh? What makes Portland so weird? I discovered what makes it "weird" this last week when we inadvertantly spent an afternoon in Portland while waiting out the rain.


Spend the an hour or two in Powell Books. It is an entire block of old buildings, interior ripped out, now a huge book store with discount books. If Amazon was a physical bookstore, this would be it. Portlanders drink coffee, check e-mail, and read away the afternoon in its windows.



Have a donut at VooDoo Donuts. I'm sure there is somebody you can think of who needs to have their head bitten off! jk :)


Try on vintage clothing at any number of second-hand stores on East Burnside before catching a dollar movie at:

The LaurelHurst Theatre where you can buy wine and vegan pizza to snack on while catching a flick! Suprisingly, the dollar movie and wine is very, very hip in Portland. It seemed oddly appopriate that we watched Alice in Wonderland.


Yes, Portland is a little weird, but also kind of oddly fun.

The Black-Shirt Theory

Some of you who have lived with me have heard me share this theory, but here is what I think is hard about being single and finding someone to date, I called it the Black-Shirt Theory.

I love black shirts. If I walked you into my room and opened my closet doors you would see a lot of black. I'm not like one of the Von Curtis girls who wear black everyday in an assortment of styles to cut your hair, but I do love black. Almost everyday there is some sort of black clothing on me. There are a variety of reasons I love black, it is slimming, but it also looks great with my hair, but I digress.

I went shopping again this week to look for something new for an occasion I am attending and guess what I came home with? Something black. I have placed bans on myself from buying anything else black, and I actually have been doing pretty well, but this is a fantastic black skirt!

Anyway, everytime I shop I draw to black things and I find something cool and ask myself, do I need it? No, but this one [insert here] has lace, ribbons, cool buttons; is knit, silk, wool, long, short, somehow I think it is different enough, and maybe just that much better than the last black shirt I purchased.

I don't need all those black shirts, in reality I need one, cute, all-purpose, comfortable, goes-with-anything black shirt. And here is how it relates to dating: people seem to always be looking for the next best version of what they already know they want. This girl or guy could be great, but there could be a slightly-improved version out there so they wait to buy. I'm certainly no expert on dating, but do you think finding someone might be like purchasing one fantastic item that you know you love and know goes well with everything in your closet and then deciding to be happy with it?

Jemaa El Fna

The Jemaa El Fna is the night market in Marrakech, Morocco. It is famous for its food, snake charmers, gypsies, music circles, and assortment of the bizzare. It is very oddly enchanting by day, but especially by night. We spent a couple of hours wandering around the square and mingling with the locals, because although tourists do go there, this really is the place where the locals flock by night.


Berber musicians line the square, and yes, that is a chicken on this man's head!


Yes, he is really selling teeth for dentures.


Kissing a snake.


It took a while to get this little guy's paws out of my hair!


A gypsy lady painting my hand with henna - against my will actually, but that is another story!


My favorite treat was the assortment of nuts and figs you could buy - suprisingly safe and suprisingly delicious. Who knew there were so many ways to prepare figs and dates?


My favorite photo of Jemaa El Fna - I think it captures the mystery. In the background of the photo are a few of the many food stalls - steam rising from the grills.

Lil' Bro's Wedding Day

My brother's wedding was actually really beautiful. After a week of snow and rain and clouds, Friday was beautiful and sunny, albeit a little bit chilly. I didn't fall into any pitty-moments which I thought I might, I just enjoyed the whole day and was so thankful for the blessings my little brother has received! The only snag was a last minute costume change where I decided not to wear the dress I purchased for the wedding and threw on a dress I've had for a few years but felt more comfortable in. I didn't even have to use any of my prepared-quips for warding off awkward "why are you still single?" comments!

Three Reasons to Feel Sorry for Me

Three reasons you could feel sorry for me:

1. My little brother is getting married this week, before me.

2. My little sister is in love and looking forward to marriage at some point with her man, before me.

3. I just got kicked out of the singles’ ward and am attending a “conventional,” “regular,” or “family” ward. I am now technically an “older single.”

Reasons you should not feel sorry for me.

1. I really like Reece’s future wife and Brooke’s future husband, and am so (sincerely) extremely excited for them and the blessings they are receiving in their lives. How can I grudge my siblings the blessings I have been looking forward to for so long?

2. I’m adjusting to the family ward. It is nice to not worry about cute boys and having to meet them in the ward. It is going to take a little bit longer for me to get used to not checking out the good-looking men, because in my ward they are all married. I have a handful of single girl-friends in the ward so I have people to sit by. It is A LOT louder, but the cute kids make me want to have babies, if I should ever find a man. And maybe now I will be more aware, later in life, of the single people in the church and the way they need the married members to reach out to them, because it’s true, being single in a family ward, makes you feel like a weird-0.

3. Life is good. I just got back from Paris and Morocco, and am starting graduate school. My life is good; the Lord has really blessed me.

Camping in the Sahara Desert

This is probably one of the coolest things I have ever done! While in Morocco my friend Krista and I went on a camel trek in the Sahara Desert and slept out in a Berber nomad camp. I would never have done this if it was just the two of us, but we met up with about 20 other people for the experience.

We drove to Efroud, took a jeep 1 1/2 hours into the desert to where the camel trek began, treked on the camel for about 1 1/2 hours and then ate dinner at our Berber camp. We slept in tents that were merely blankets on the sand for the floor and blankets thrown over wooden poles for the sides and roof. I slept like a baby, I can sleep almost anywhere very, very easily. We had heard it could get really cold, but it wasn't too bad with a few Berber blankets on.

For dinner we had traditional food, tagine, which is kind of like a crock pot dinner and then were entertained with music and dancing. After dinner the boys tried to teach us how to play the drums, and I was told I was really pretty bad! We stayed up and talked and told jokes and played games with the boys until pretty late and then went to bed. They spoke very broken English and some Spanish, so thank you high school spanish for being a common broken language between me and some cute boys! Haha. We got up early the next morning and watched the sunrise and climbed the dunes then treked back to where the jeep dropped us off.

The Sahara Desert is really beautiful and had the charming lonesomeness that deserts do. The sand was unbleivably orange and desert grass was a pretty pale sage green, the contrast was lovely.

I got to be the lead camel on the way in so it made me feel like I was in some movie, or the Bible or something: Rebekka (?) leaving on a camel to go and meet her future husband Issac across the desert!

Disease!

Getting henna done in Fes, Morocco.

My arm is the one with brown and green on it, so pretty!



I just have to say that I DID NOT bring home a weird skin disease from Morocco, although it looks like it! While I was on vacation I had henna done on my hands like the Muslim women do when they get married. It is really pretty when it is just done, but a few days later it fades funny colors and starts to look like skin disease! :D

I had to go back to work with a funny looking hand and had to just own it! I told my students, yes, I had henna done over spring break, yes it will fade in a week or so, no I don't have tattoos or a weird skin disease! Some kids thought I was the coolest teacher ever for getting henna done, but a few kids said "Your body is a temple Ms. E!" I replied that is washes off in a few days, but one student said back, "So, would you use washable chalk on the temple Ms. E, I think not!" Okay, I said, "You win!" Haha. The good thing is long sleeves cover most of it, and it will be gone in just a few more days....





Although I didn't contract a weird skin disease I did however get mild food-poisining, and I haven't eaten hardly anything in days, but that is another story for another day! Another day when I am not wanting to sleep all the time....I will have some cools stories and pics for you all to see!

Au Revoir!

I'm off to Paris for spring break! Hopefully I will come back in one piece! :D

Romantic

Well, it was a romantic idea, anyway. So - I don't know that I ever blogged about the fact I met a fantastic man in Italy last summer, and yes, I did kiss him. (I know! Please judge.) He is 30, speaks 4 languages, has a master's degree in economics, has lived in Italy, Boston, and Bejing. He owns his own tour guide business in Rome and he is very handsome (at least I think so). He has had a lot of contact with Mormons, but is himself a cultural-Catholic.

Anyway, we met last summer in Rome and went out to dinner and then walked around a romantic park that overlooks all of Rome; the Vatican on one side and the Colleseum on the other. We had an instant connection and he was the perfect gentleman. Anyway -I won't labor you with details, or spin myself into fantastic memories, but he invited me to come back to Rome--he has a friend who ownes a hotel and I could stay for free....romanitic huh? This was after he found out I was going to Paris and he wanted to meet me in Paris, tried to work it out but couldn't because of high tourist traffic during that time. Anyway - I know, huh? Who has that happen? A handsome man I met a year ago in Rome has never forgotten me and wanted to meet me in Paris and then invites me to Rome!

Sadly it won't work out for me to ever see him again, and he is not LDS anyway, and ect.,ect., but wow, what a romantic idea!

Rome will forever be the most romantic city in the world for me, and I guess if I die single, at least I had one good, chick-flick romance, right?

An Attempt at Artistic

A little sister-sister bonding time has resulted in a few artistic attempts. I can't say ceramics is my thing; I am not used to the idea that you only get one take, have no idea what it looks like due to the muted paints, send it to the kiln, and can't un-do what's done. I perfer oils or acrylics where you can layer and layer and layer and re-layer, but we have had a lot of fun at Color Me Mine, and I guess I'm pretty okay with how these turned out. The joke is always if we don't like what we make, they will end up each other's birthday gifts, or Reece and Caitlin's wedding present!

If you have never heard of Color Me Mine, it is a cute little ceramic studio with tall tables and chairs and paints and ceramics galore. You pay a studio sitting fee and then pay the price of your item, so it can get a little bit expensive, but as long as you go on can-food-donation-night or two-for-one date nights (yes they let my sister and I be "dates"), it's not too bad. Anyway, these are my variations on the theme: Serving Bowls.

The Dress I WILL NOT Be Wearing...

to my little brother's wedding. My bridesmaid's dress came in the mail, and I guess I needed a reminder not to take myself too seriously. Please tell me you have had this experience? What you can't see is that the bottom of this dress fits my backside just perfectly. Oh, for a perfect body, huh?


No amount of alteration, to the dress anyway, could make this thing work. It's important to have a sense of humor in life, right? I'm trying to tell myself that very thing right now.

Mrs. Lame Man

I did the temple work last night for a woman named Mrs. Lame Man. I hope it is just a coincidence.

New Take: Old Story

I know this is old news by now, old news as in January 25th, but we get a temple in Payson! What makes this "old" news "new" again to me was a story I heard last weekend.

This is the DeHart's sod farm. Their daughter is a student of mine. The church called up the DeHarts and asked if they could buy their farm. The Deharts said, if you want the land to build a temple, you can have it for free.

My first reaction to hearing the story was, wow, you would probably be set for life with the money the church would pay for your land. When do they want to buy my dad's farm for a temple? I was really humbled and sheepish when I heard the DeHart's story because - if the Lord asks, you give. I have no doubt in my mind the family will be set for life for donating their land to the church. The Lord will take care of them for their sacrifice. And ultimately -- would you rather have the money as a blessing, or the blessings directly from the Lord? Of course if the Lord asks, you answer. Cool story, and good reminder of what is really important in life.

My Favorite Valentine

The biology teacher at the high school had his students make biology-related Valentines for their friends and teachers. I received a small pile. This one is my favorite. "To my future spouse, Ms. Baker: You are to my heart as athlete's foot is to my toes. You grow on me and grow on me until you finally take over everything." [On the back] Handcrafted with love from XXXXXX XXXXXXX. Another favorite: Ms. Baker every time I look at your maxilla I have to be resuscitated. :D


Happy Valentine's Day!